edward.

SHE CUTS HIM with words meant to make it all BETTER. i love you so MUCH, she says. he hears, FOR NOW. because he can’t STAND that she might not stick around – she has every RIGHT to go. he thinks that she must still WANT to leave, to FLEE and find that part of herself that she thinks is MISSING. “ BELLA. ” he keeps his voice SOFT, backs away from her so he can breathe air that isn’t PERFUMED with her so thickly ( it follows him ANYWAY, will for the REST of his days ). “ i understand WHY you left. and i think – ” words slip AWAY, a shattered train of thought as he steadies himself for the onslaught of PAIN. “ i THINK that you’re refusing yourself HAPPINESS by clinging to … to ME. did you really TRY? my letters … i want you WITH me always, bella. but i didn’t want to pull you from a BETTER life. i’m sorry if they gave you that IMPRESSION. i’m sorry if i seem so SELFISH. ”

he backs away and her heart nearly shatters – his bare touch is nowhere near enough, her entire body is drowning in incomprehensible angst – lack of articulation leaves her frustrated at herself, and added her deepened SORROW, all the room in her mind is crowded with self-hatred. does she hate herself more than she loves him?? maybe now, yes. but only because she can’t begin her apologies, or convey how much she loves him. disheveled brows furrow as he begins his thought, though it does NOTHING for her but drive her mad – fingers angrily pushing through her hair to tug harshly, in search of some release; ❛ did i really try ?? – ❜ she repeats, and it’s followed by bitter laughter as she begins to PACE – she can’t look at him. small hands curl into fists by her side as she walks back and forth, back and forth, back and forth –
❛ GOD, you don’t know ANYTHING ———- ❜ the muscles in her arms twitch, craving to express her distress in physicality. she holds herself back. ❛ – about what i’ve been doing. ‘ BETTER ‘ life ??? try DOUBLE the near-death experiences and waking up every morning wondering when i’m FINALLY going to feel rested — i can’t even REMEMBER what it’s like to be happy, ❜ and her words burn, her voice rough with real reflections of her misery. and she stops, about a foot from him, burning – dripping – eyes looking to him. ❛ if anybody is selfish, it’s me. —- for having the audacity to ask you to take me back after what i did. please don’t ever imply that this is something i’m doing for you. because this is one-hundred-fucking-percent for myself. i NEED you. i LOVE you. and nothing in my life will ever be alive again if i don’t have you. ❜
agnelino reblogged this from brandofhercin-a-blog
brandofhercin-a-blog reblogged this from agnelino