edward.
IT’S AS IF the sun has DROPPED out of the sky ;; he sees the BRIGHT of her presence, of her FILLING him up – and then, she holds up his LETTERS and he is BLINDED by the pitch of night. “ YOU – ” vaguely, he hears ESME in his head, an APOLOGY passing through the void on feathers LIGHT as air. he ISN’T dreaming. she’s HERE. she’s HERE and she … she CAN’T be here. edward’s whole body STIFFENS, system FAILURE, module shut off. there’s an IMPLOSION somewhere inside of him. he BREAKS. and it’s when she utters that LAST sentence that he inhales so SHARPLY, the breath WHISTLES through his teeth. “ i never WANTED – it isn’t SUPPOSED to – you can’t BE here. you can’t just – BELLA. ” and her name is a PLEA, a FRAGILE extension of what’s left of her inside of him. take it away, TAKE IT AWAY, TAKE IT AWAY.
she can feel a difference between them —- the distance of time and growth, yet she can feel her heart THROB with an insatiable need to be closer; she’s so irrevocably, naively HIS. it’s a fine line, to KNOW your heart belongs to someone else, yet not know if they will do RIGHT by it; it’s selfish to ask him to TAKE HER BACK, but it’s all she wants to do. it’s all she’d ever NEED —- to be his. she’d tried the latter; the normality, the separation, and all she’d found is more CHAOS & HEARTACHE.
the way he says her name resonates; his tone is on the brink of desperation, with stories behind it – there are strong connotations; he hasn’t let her go, either. even as he’s let her be, his heart is STUCK to her. she notes this, she holds this fact DEARLY ——-
❛ why NOT ?? —- ❜ she begins, voice raising to him as her empty gaze looks to him. she continues before he answers. ❛ listen —- i just —— i’ve got some stuff i have to say. and it’s HARD. it’s like — like ——- ❜ her hand motions erratically, trying to communicate, ❛ this disease. this DESPAIR, desperation —- i’m ——- not normal. i ———– ❜ her sentences are scattered, separate from one another, forming no bigger picture – just random segment’s of multiple thoughts she wants to say. ❛ i made a mistake. a BIG, stupid fucking mistake ——— when i LEFT. i wanted this.. validation, for myself. and i hurt you. and i hurt myself. there’s nothing —- NOTHING for me, without you. —- and I KNOW it’s ridiculous of me to show up here, after all this time, to say this ——— but i thought i’d have no BASIS if i came without context. your letters ———- ❜ she looks at them in her shaky grasp, eyes skimming over the ‘ i love you’s ‘ and ‘ please come home’s ‘, ❛ i don’t know what i’m doing – ❜ her voice cracks as she continues to look over them, for the MILLIONTH time over; piles of anxiety and insecurity sit on her shoulders, wrap around her throat like a monstrous grasp – she can barely breath as she begins to cry. she feels ashamed; wishing she had figured out what her plan was, here, rather than just SHOWING UP and letting him witness how broken she’d become —- ❛ i just needed you to know i love you, ❜ she FORCES the message out between her choked sobs, ❛ and i always have. and i always will. NO MATTER WHAT. and i’m so —– fucking —– s o r r y. ❜
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