Bella,
It should come as no surprise to you that I have driven my family half mad with the misery that I exude on a daily basis since your departure. I am simply half of myself and I cannot begin to pull myself together. I cannot begin to imagine trying. However, it has come to my attention that while vampires cannot cry, they certainly can weep and Esme weeps for us both. So, I will endeavor to regulate my daily activities, rather than wallow in self pity alone in my room.
Carlisle said that I should write things down. It supposedly helps. I tried to write a list of things that I hate about you and I couldn’t get past the fact that you kept company with the likes of Jacob Black. I’m sorry; he reeks.
Instead, I found myself compelled to write to you. I have little intention of you ever seeing this letter, but it’s strangely soothing to imagine you reading these words and perhaps laughing at me. I don’t want to picture you crying over them. I want you to be happy.
I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I could never be angry with you. Incredibly frustrated, yes. Irritated by your incredible stubborn streak, often. But I could never be angry. And I could never hate you, and believe me… I have tried my best to do so. But I love you too much. They say that hate and love lie close together and it could be so. I remember hating the smell of your blood the first day that I ever laid eyes on you. I remember hating your mind for remaining a mystery to me. I remember hating your heart for wanting another man, or so I thought. But I can never once recall hating YOU, Bella.
I wish that I could. I wish that I could forget. And that’s probably something that will haunt me, this desire, this need to despise your very existence. I should hate you for taking away parts of me that can never be returned. But all I can do is love you.
Please take care of yourself. I know that this is a difficult request. Humor me. If I hear secondhand from Charlie that you’ve been hurt, I will hunt you down myself if only to ensure it was by your own hand and not another’s. Otherwise, someone will be sorry.
I know that you hate that part of me. The part that wants to protect you. I can’t help it. I was born over a century before you, Bella. I grew up watching the patriarchy flourish and, while I don’t consider you wholly helpless ( mostly ), I do consider you mine and I protect those that I consider thus. I protect my family, Bella, and you are part of my family.
This…wasn’t so bad. I’m only relieved that you won’t see how utterly pathetic I am. I hope very much that wherever you are, you have found peace. I hope that you have made some friends because, honestly, Bella, you aren’t meant to be alone. You need someone. I hope you’ve found that someone. And, above all else, I hope that you’re happy.
I am, forever and faithfully, yours,
Edward
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